Catching up

It has been quite a while since I’ve been here.  Well, since I’ve physically written here.  In my head, I’m always here.  But in life, I’m spending every possible moment with the most amazing 13 month old rainbow baby one could hope for.  That’s right, I said 13 month old!  Ava turned one last month.  Other than a couple of ear infections and a nasty case of RSV, she’s had a wonderful first year.  She isn’t walking yet, but soon. And she has 6 teeth! Almost every night on the way to her bedroom we stop in the hall by Lauren’s picture and Ava kisses her goodnight.  Heart melting to say the least.

We celebrate every milestone she has, and I’m overjoyed and heartbroken all at once.  I’m so happy for what she’s accomplished and how smart she is.  But always, somewhere in my mind, I can’t stop myself from being sad that we never had those moments with Lauren. And never will.  My husband and I had a discussion about this a couple days ago, and a fellow mommy to a rainbow recently wrote about it in her blog.  For us, it is a constant balancing act.  Don’t leave Lauren out, but don’t let Ava grow up in the shadow of her sister.  Teach Ava all about Lauren, but don’t make her feel any less important or less loved.  I guess this will be a lifetime task.

And another thing that I know will never go away is the pain I feel over the decision we made at Lauren’s death.  I’ve written before about the choice we made about her body.  We chose not to cremate her, or bury her.  We opted for the hospital disposition.  This is my biggest regret in life.  Period.  I’ll never get over it.  Upon receipt of her death certificate, we learned that her body was turned over to a crematory, and she was cremated.  So does this mean she was cremated and her ashes were just thrown away?  I feel like I threw her away.  I’d give anything if we would have chosen to bury her, or cremate her and keep her ashes ourselves.  It kills me.  For this reason, I can’t go to the funeral home or to memorial services unless it is for someone I obviously have to be there for.  I can’t be there, it brings all of the emotions back of Lauren’s death, and the emotions and regret of what I wish we’d done differently.  I wish we’d made a different decision.  I wish I could go visit my baby at the cemetery, or have a her ashes in my home to hold whenever I wanted.  But I have neither.

There are other things that happen, things I wonder, ”when will this stop?”.  I’d say about 90% of the time when I find out someone is pregnant, I still get that sick feeling in my gut. Maybe it is not jealousy, as I often think of it, but maybe it is fear for this mommy who might not know what all can go wrong.  But with that being said, I guess it could be jealousy.  Jealousy over the happy go lucky feelings of a first pregnancy when the mother is blind to what all is possible and gets to enjoy the whole pregnancy without wondering if her baby will die.  (Enjoy it at least when she’s not complaining about the miracle that is taking place in her body).   Another thing I wonder about if it will ever stop is the anger I feel when people complain about their pregnancy or their kids.  No one makes you make the decision to get pregnant and have kids. It is a blessing.  Enjoy it and stop making it sound like a death sentence.

Until next time….


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