It doesn’t go away

So here I am, a mother of two beautiful daughters.  One I get to hold in my arms everyday and watch her grow.  One, I only have images in my head and feelings in my heart and soul.  In my bones really.  That’s how deep it hurts.  We’re coming up on 2 years since Lauren was born and died.  2 years.  And now our second baby girl is already 4 months old.  Anyone who is a mother (well good, decent, loving mother) can attest to the love you feel for your baby.  It’s a love that simply cannot be described. I look at my baby girl and I listen to her laugh, and see her smile when she sees my face and I tell her that no mother in the world has ever, ever loved their baby as much as I love her.  That’s how I feel.  So then imagine that much happiness and love, and turn it around.  That’s how much I hurt at the exact same time.  I miss Lauren so much.  Just the other night after a seemingly perfect day my husband and I went to bed and fell asleep.  About 20 minutes later I woke both of us sobbing uncontrollably. He was of course alarmed and concerned.  He kept asking me what was wrong and all I could say was, “I just want to hold her one more time”.  I want to hold her, smell her, kiss her, and bring her back.  I’m greedy.  I have a perfect little girl here with me, but I want both of my girls here.  I’ll never understand why I can’t have that. Never. The other night when that happened I felt like it was August 4, 2012, the day she was born and died.  Usually I just cry sorrowful, sad tears and can pull myself together.  But this was the same cry from that day.  It was laced with sadness, anger, confusion, bitterness, disbelief, and longing.  I felt like I’d just lost her.  The proverbial ‘they’ say that time will ease the pain.  That is a lie.  Of course some days are easier than others.  But the pain is raw. Its there.  All of the time.  Every time my daughter does something new I think about how we missed all of that with Lauren. I’m so thankful we have our second daughter here with us.  Without her bringing so much happiness to us everyday I don’t think I could have handled the pain this long. To any of my friends reading this who are still waiting on your rainbow baby or have been told that it will never happen, for what its worth, I’m praying for you, thinking about you, and remembering your baby every single day!  

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