I can’t believe it has been almost a month since I’ve blogged. So much going on in preparation for the baby. But I also have so much on my mind that I’m not even sure where to begin.
First of all…a quick pregnancy update for those of you who are following along. I’m 31 weeks 3 days today. Lauren’s little sister is measuring 4 pounds 1 ounce, has very long legs, and a little bit of hair can be seen on the ultrasound. As for me, no signs of pre-eclampsia or HELLP and other than typical 3rd trimester fatigue I’m feeling great. My c-section is scheduled for Monday, March 3rd, at which time I’ll be 37 weeks 2 days. Keep those prayers coming.
We recently had our baby shower, which was beautiful. We received so many great gifts. But I’d be telling a lie if I told you I wasn’t worried the whole time. In the back of my mind I just kept thinking, “I really hope we get to use all of this stuff”. Yes, I’m at a gestation that birth would be premature and our daughter would spend some time in the NICU, but statistically speaking, she’d survive. But once you’ve lost a child, you can never really get rid of that fear. I know people who’ve had perfectly healthy pregnancies only to have to say goodbye to their baby at the very end, for reasons that still remain a mystery. I’m not being little in faith, I’m living in the real world. The same world I was living in when our first daughter died. The world in which bad things happen to good people.
I get those same anxious feelings and have those same thoughts as each additional piece of our nursery comes together. I want to relax and enjoy the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy, which I think I’m doing for the most part, I just can’t completely get rid of those thoughts.
As excited as we are to meet our newest addition, it brings back so many of the raw emotions we associate with losing Lauren. Every time we’ve reached a milestone past 24 weeks (when we lost her) I think to myself and my husband and I talk about how we never got to do those things with/for her. A lot of tears have been shed, feeling happy and sad at the same time. Happy that the baby and I are doing so well and we’ve made it this far, but sad that we missed out on so much with our sweet Lauren.
I feel that some people are forgetting Lauren. They focus so much on the joys of this pregnancy and seem to forget that we are already parents to one beautiful angel in Heaven. No, we never changed her diapers, brought her home, or countless other things, but she’s still our daughter and we’re still her parents. I feel that they aren’t only forgetting her, but forgetting the pain that we live with everyday. The joy and happiness of this pregnancy and this baby doesn’t erase anything from the past. That being said, there are some people who I am convinced will never forget her. Her name is never far from the lips of my parents and we talk about her often. Also, we received a great gift bag full of baby stuff from a friend from my husbands work. Among those gifts was an outfit for the baby that says “little sister”. It melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes to know that someone remembers and acknowledges Lauren 17 months after her death even amidst all of the excitement about the new baby coming.