Holding babies, explaining how I feel, of course you don’t understand!


I’m so confused by something.  Many times I, or other parents who have lost a child, express certain emotions or bravely tell people that something bothers them or they aren’t comfortable with a situation.  And they are often met with a reaction of disbelief or the person they tell will say, “Well that doesn’t make sense to me” or “ I don’t understand why you would feel that way.”  These people often also try to give advice.  OF COURSE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!  Your baby didn’t die! I hope you never do have to understand how I feel.  And as for advice, just stop.  You have never been in our shoes and you can’t even begin to tell me anything that would be useful.  Every grieving parent has the right to handle situations however they want, whatever makes them comfortable.  And here’s another personal one that bothers me.  When I’m upset or discouraged people constantly tell me to pray.  If you think you have to remind me to pray, then you don’t know me very well.  Without the power of prayer and the grace of my God, I wouldn’t be functioning.  So yeah, I pray.


I was curious to know if an emotion I was having was common among other parents who have lost a baby.  So I asked a few other moms and found that I’m not alone in feeling like this.  The feeling is that I refuse to hold a baby.  The last baby I held was my daughter.  Her lifeless little body was still in my arms and I couldn’t do a thing about it.  It’s been a little over 14 months since we lost her.  14 months since I held a baby.  And I’m 17 weeks along in another pregnancy and couldn’t be more ready to meet this little lady.  But I cannot or do not want to hold or be around someone else’s baby.  It hurts too much.  Maybe it is selfish for me to say that the last baby I held was Lauren and the next one I hold will be the one growing inside me.  But if people think that’s selfish, I don’t care.  It’s the way I feel and I won’t be put in a situation where I have to be around or hold someone else’s baby.  Does this mean I don’t like babies?  Of course not!  Does it mean that I’m not happy for my friends who have beautiful little infants?  No way!  I’m very happy for them and enjoy seeing the pictures of their children.  I just simply am not comfortable being around or holding them.   I’m sure there are people reading this right now that think I’m crazy, selfish, unreasonable, etc.  I’m also sure that the people thinking those things have never lost a baby.  It honestly think it is absolutely ridiculous that I have to try to explain or justify my feelings on this or any other matter concerning the loss of our sweet daughter. 


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