Bitter? Maybe

I guess there are a limited number of people who understand how I feel about certain things.  And, I guess that’s a good thing, because if you understood it would be you’ve lost a baby as well.  So let me try to explain.  I cry when I find out a friend is pregnant.  I cry when a friend has a baby. I run in the other direction when faced with seeing a baby in public. I avoid certain sections of the store.  I don’t enjoy birthday parties.  I didn’t enjoy Christmastime as much as I usually do.  Maybe you call me bitter because of these new feelings.  I call it normal.  When someone announces their pregnancy or has a baby OF COURSE I am happy for them. But I’m sad for us.  We miss Lauren with every breath.  It doesn’t mean I don’t good things to happen to other people, I just know how close we were, how much we want something good to happen to us.  I’ve yet to meet any of the babies that my friends have given birth to or adopted since Lauren died.  Again, I’m happy for those people, but I simply don’t have the strength to hold or ohh and ahh over someone else’s baby when mine is dead. I can’t walk past the baby section of any store with out flashing back to all the times we shopped there, picking things out for Lauren and trying to decide what product was best.  Birthday’s are hard.  We don’t get to plan our daughter’s first birthday party, or any birthday for that matter.  So going to a child’s birthday party would only be a sad occasion.  As hard as we could try to focus on other things, we’d just be reminded that we don’t get to do the same with or for Lauren.  The holidays were hard.  Our due date with Lauren was on Thanksgiving Day.  And while we did/do have plenty to be thankful for, she wasn’t with us.  Christmastime was harder.  We spent the season watching everyone prepare for the holiday by buying gifts for their children. We also recalled all of the conversations we’d had about what we’d buy Lauren for Christmas and how wonderful it would be to be a family of three last Christmas.  We are a family of three, but not how we’d imagined. We also had to deal with our emotions as all of our nieces and our nephew gathered around the tree at my parents house for the annual grand kids photo.  It was beautiful as always, but my daughter was supposed to be there, too!  So call me bitter if that’s what you think I am.  But I call it normal.  Grieving, mourning, hurting, missing.  I’m sure that it will be different with each passing year.  As a friend of a friend said, it doesn’t get easier, just a little less excruciating.